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                             Ritual of the Blessed Motherboard 

                                        The Tigress

          Thus it follows that  after many days of  chaos, unfounded mayhem  and

          startling inconvienience <as given in favor by the Goddess Eris> so it

          shall be that I am  finally able to share with you  the official cere-

          mony of the Blessed Motherboard  and the Horned One that Plugs  in the

          Wall.  This ceremony is one to be practiced by discordian compu-pagans

          each Midsummer Eve  in holy celebration  and appreciation of  debugged

          upgrades,  new shareware, faster  circutry and all  the blessings that

          flow from the Goddess...

          Note :  Let it be said  that if your system  crashes, your motherboard

          becomes twitchy, your  hard drives  fail, or your  cables spout  forth

          fire - that this is an indication that the Goddess  is displeased with

          your  compu-worship. At this  time, if  the posting  of many  tales of

          compu-sexuality doth fail  to pacify Her.  This is  the time that this

          ritual must be done to regain Her pleasure.

          It is thus that this ritual be made easier if thou coven of compu-pag-

          ans is  large, for then the  obtainment of the necessary  materials be

          far easier...

          Necessary ritual components -

          To  represent the Matron Goddess : 1  AT Motherboard <preferably a 386

          with Large Co-processors.>  <may be in "twitchy condition".>

          To  represent the  Crone: 1  AT&T Phone  bill from  Mother Bell.  <the

          higher the debt, the better one can justify ones needs to the Goddess>


          To represent the Maiden: a large firepit  dug in the shape of a circle

          around which the  pentagram will be formed. <dry  wood laid in prepar-


          To represent the God: 1 very Large, very THICK power supply cable

          For the Pentagram : 1 can of neon or glow in the dark paint

          For the Quarters :  The following items are placed at each quarter -

          North : A Power supply with cable, the energy which inspires us

          East: A keyboard through which our innocence is transformed to lust

          South: A hard drive which saves our writ to seal our doom

          West : A Monitor by which all might see our lustful spells at work

          The Altar : A makeshift desk

          The Incense: A chipped ashtray and a pack of Camels <extra humps>

          The  Cup:  A container  of  highly caffinated  substance  <coke, jolt,


          The Bowl : a bowl of fine earth to represent  the accumulation of dust

          in your  house which you haven't cleaned since you spend all your time

          at the keyboard .

          The  Flame: One jar of kerosene, gasoline, or other flamable substance

          with matches that one uses to light the fire.


          In  addition:  Each member  of the  network  coven should  bring spare

          parts, broken  cables, split  chips, bungled software,  etc...for fire

          offerings  at the  conclusion of  the ceremony.  Clothing during  this

          ceremony is optional.

          Opening  Chant <To  be sung  as the  HPs and  HP draw  the  circle and

          pentagram around the  firepit><sung to  the tune of  "Rain drops  keep

          falling on my head >

          Circuts keep blowing on my board

          my hard drive keeps crashin

          and its heads are getting scored

          Messages are lost OH

          Time to appease the Goddess of all Computers

          Alas I'm broke

          My bills

          Are higher than my income

          Oh please Goddess I'm begging thee

          To hear my plea and heal my system

          ba dum dum, ba dum ba dum dum


          Cables are ruined by crossing wires

          My modem is burping

          and its screwing up my files

          Data's being lost OH

          I ask the Horned One Plugging into my wall

          Oh Please don't surge

          My dos

          is shareware and its fragile

          Oh please Horned One

          I'm begging thee

          Remember that my ram is borrowed

          ba dum dum, ba dum ba dum dum

          The Crone works her spells through Mother Bell

          My phone bills enormous

          and my life is living hell

          Long distance is a bitch OH

          What did I do before to deserve this karma?

          I have five days

          To pay

          The toll charge for downloading

          from New Jersey

          Oh Mother Bell,

          have mercy on my lust addiction

          ba dum dum, ba dum ba dum dum


          I worship through the message base

          Hiding behind keyboards

          where you cannot see my face

          Sexual inuen - DO

          Maiden protect me from my own sweet confusion

          Let me log in

          to boards

          To satisfy my hunger

          and to praise you

          and sacrifice your innocence among the echos

          ba dum dum, ba dum ba dum dum

          Its My Lust......  Sacrifice it or BUST

          <To be sung until the Pentagram and altar are set up, the

          last sentence repeated and slowly faded>

                                   The ritual begins...

          As  the coven  sings the  ritual opening  chant the HP  & P  paint the

          Pentagram around the firepit with neon or glow in the dark paint.  The

          items are placed in the designated  directions and the altar is set up

          to the north of the fire with the following items placed upon it.

          To the North end of the altar the ashtray and cigarettes

          To the East end of the altar the holy cup

          To the South end of the altar the bowl of earth

          To the West end of the altar the jar of kerosene and matches.


          As the HP  calls the elements the P shall pass  her the items in ques-


          The coven  at the end of  each elemental calling shall  chant the fol-


          Elemental Power

          Come out and play with me

          Play midst my flaming spree<fire>

          and sing the chant with me <Air>

          Splash in my rain barrel <Water>

          Slide down my cellar door <Earth>  And we'll be jolly friends

          Forever more

          The HP calls to  the Element of Fire <and taking the kerosene from the

          P> intones:

          Fire, Fire burning bright, like a candle in the night

          Come and join us in our flight, Lend us your eternal light

          Warm the Maiden with your flame,

          I call you in the Goddess's Name. 

          The HP pours  the kerosene liberally upon the firewood  in the pit and

          lights  the  fire with  the matches.  <the  coven sings  the elemental



          The P hands the HP the bowl of earth.  The HP tosses the earth upwards

          to scatter it around the circle and over the altar as she intones:

          Elemental Earth I beckon thee, with us in this circle be

          Ashes to ashes, dust to dust, firm foundation is a must

          Warm bed for the Matron's frame  I call you in the Goddess's Name

          <the coven sings the elemental chant>

          The P hands the HP the cup of caffinated  substance.   The HP lifts it

          to her lips and intones:

          Water quench our thirst, keep us wet and wild

          Join us in our circle hence, praise the lady mild.

          Liquid of Life that has no shame

          I beckon thee in Goddess's Name

          The HP drinks from the cup and beckons the P to drink of it,  he does.

          <the coven sings the elemental chant>

          The P hands the HP  the ashtray and a cigarette and lights it for her,

          the HP takes a long drag and as she exhales intones:

          Airy, Airy, quiet and contrary how doth your winds blow?

          Through maidens hair your breath ensnare, your secrets we would know.

          The Pow'r of Wind by Lady made tame

          I beckon thee in Goddess's Name


          <the HP smokes and exhales as the coven sings the elemental chant>

          The HP and  P perepare to summon the directions  in supplication to be

          followed by the closing of the circle.

          The following is  a chant used by the coven  at each directional open-


          "From the North awakening, the energy inspires

           From the East our eagerness to learn amid the fires

           From the South commitment and thus we seal our doom

           From the West comes reckonning, our message answered soon" 

          The HP and P walk to  the North and hold up  the Power supply.  The  P


            The Power of the  north inspires us and lends us its  energy for our

          use in supplication.   This Power  Supply I offer  to thee Oh  Goddess

          that your Power run through my computer and my life.  The P tosses the

          Power supply into the fire. 

          <the coven sings the directional chant>

          The Hp  and P walk to  the East and hold  up the keyboard.   The P in-


          The Power of  the East  transforms our innocence  through tasting  the

          fire  of Life.   This  Keyboard, I offer to thee  Oh Goddess that your

          knowledge guide my fingers on  their path through the system of  Life.

          The P tosses the keyboard into the fire. 

          <the coven sings the directional chant>


          The HP and P  walk to the  South and hold  up the hard  drive.  The  P


          The Power of  the South is that of action  and consequence, of commit-

          ment  to the   path and  the ability  to remember  the lessons learned

          thereof. This Hard Drive I  offer to thee Oh Goddess that  your memory

          of my  acts and  deeds be  remembered with praise  and favor  in thine

          eyes. The P tosses the Hard Drive into the fire.

          <the coven sings the directional chant>

          The HP and the  P walk to  the West and  hold up the  monitor.  The  P


          The Power  of the  West is  that of  access to  all things,  to seeing

          turthfully into  the path of a  life and judging it  thusly, worthy or

          unworthy.  This  monitor I offer to thee Oh  Goddess that your eternal

          eyes may see into my  life  and may watch over my actions,  and that I

          may find favor in you  as my eternal Sysop.  The P  tosses the monitor

          into the fire.

          <the coven sings the directional chant> 

          The HP and  P walk thrice around the circle  widdershins and all chant


          Ring around the altar

          Power never faulter

          Goddess, God

          We summon thee       <repeated until the circle is thrice closed.>


          The Circle Closed and the directions and  elements present, the HP and

          P prepare to call to the Goddess and to the Horned One.

          The HP stands before the fire pit and calls:

          Virgin Goddess, gentle maid

          She whose seeking to get laid

          Bring your innocence to Bare

          For those who worship for your care

          <the P leads the coven in the Maiden chant>

          Come on Maiden light your fire

          Come on Maiden light your fire

          Come and set the night on FIRE

          The HP stands before the fire pit and holding the phone bill calls:

          Oh Mother Bell, Oh Crone of Disconnection from this pagan life

          I beseech thee, hold back thy hand of dread financial strife

          In attonement bills I pay to thee

          Of thy modem killing hand let me be free

          The HP tosses the phone bill into the fire.

          <The P leads the coven in the Crone Song>

          "  We're sorry,  the  number you  have  reached has  been  temporarily

          disconnected Booooo Hissssss

          We're  sorry, the number you have reached has been temporarily discon-

          nected Booo Hisssss"


          The HP stands before  the Altar and holds high the  very long and very

          thick cable of the Horned One that Plugs into the Wall and calls:

          Oh Horned One, Powerful Consort of the Blessed Motherboard

          Surging with Energy you take your place as Lord

          Pulsing with Power, with each surge of volts you swell

          Pumping life into the Goddess, you serve her purpose well

          The HP tosses the very long, very thick cable into the fire

          <the P leads the coven in the Horned One chant>

          Pump, Pump, Pump it up....keep the power flowing

          Pump, Pump, Pump it up....hard fast and never slowing

          Pump, Pump, Pump it up....We know you please the Goddess

          Pump, Pump, Pump it up....Be strong and never modest

          The HP raises the Blessed Motherboard with Large Co-processors high in

          the air and the  P and HP each take  and end in their hands.   Raising

          the Motherboard high in the air they intone:

          Blessed Mother, Sacred Goddess come to bless your users

          Keep us safe from disk crash and lurking abusers

          Let thy healing hands caress our crippled hardware

          Let our nodes stay stable, that through distance we may share

          In your holy worship together we may gather nightly

          Writing inuendo, our modems steaming slightly

          Bless us Holy Goddess, and show us by your sign

          That we have earned your favor, your blessing so divine.


          The HP and P lead all in the following chant:


           A Prayer to the Goddess for self conscecration

           Dominus regit Goddess


           The Blessed Goddess is my mistress;

           I shall not be in want

           She maketh me lie down on soft bedding

           and leadth me to think of rumpling it

           She revives my soul <when I thought I was exhausted>

           and guides me along the most sensual pathways for pleasures sake

           Though I walk through the valley of the shadow of dangerous desire

           I shall fear not impotence

           for she is insatiable

           my rod and staff they comfort her

           We spread a table of ecstacy in the presence of those

           who are sorely troubled by arrousal

           She annoints my head with honeyed oil

           and I make her cup run over

           Surely the pleasure and bliss shall follow me all the days of my life

           and I will dwell in the caves of ecstacy within mind forever.



          Thus said, the HP and P intone the following:

          OH Blessed Motherboard please  accept this offering in your  name, and

          in  the name of  the Horned One  who plugs  in the Wall  and gives you


          that  we may be blessed in our offerings  to you both in circle and in


          Thus said, the HP and P toss the Motherboard into the fire.

          The HP and P lead the coven in the following chant -

          Blessed be the Motherboard from whom all messages flow

          Blessed be the Horned One who fills Her with His offering

          Blessed be the sysops who transfer the packets

          Blessed be the writers and those who inspire what they bring

          Blessed be the hard drives that keep messages from harm

          Blessed be the modems which send packages large and small

          Blessed be the shareware we use to commune

          Blessed be the network which links us up with all

          Blessed be our minds, that we might write our prayers

          Blessed be our fingers that tap amongst the keys

          Blessed be our monitors that shine with holy light

          Blessed be our senses that stimulate with ease

          Blessed be the circle, a circut without end

          Through which we hail and merry meat with those that we call friend.


          At this point the HP and P gaze into the fire for the portent of the

          Goddess's sign of approval  <the flames of blue light from the mother-

          board offering>

          At seeing this both HP  and P raise their arms in  joyful supplication

          and shout <To be echoed by  the Coven members in attendance after each


          The Maiden's found appeasement and She is satisfied

          The Crone is in abeyance, her compu-billings fried

          The Horned One's filled with power, in joining He is pleased

          The Goddess sends Her blessings, cleansing virus and disease.

          We thank the 4 directions for standing by our side

          We thank the elementals and their power all allied

          To Celebrate our status annointed compupagans of sin

          Let Joyful Inhibition be released and the saturnalia begin!!!!

          <the HP and P release the circle and the partying shall now commence>

          Sensual  foods and  drinks are served  and shared,  <the rest  you can



Next: Prosperity Spell [Famtrad] (Rowan Moonstone)