An Apology and Good-bye

		    by J. Orlin Grabbe

	Well, too much of a good joke becomes tiresome, so 
I've decided to make my apologies and to say good-bye.  The 
many skeptics are correct.  There never was a Fifth Column.  
The Angel of Death (AOD) is a myth created by Charles 
Hayes and myself for our own amusement:  We've had a great 
many laughs watching Jim Norman struggle to create stories 
from the concept.  But in fact none of those more than fifty 
politicians who have resigned this year have resigned because 
they received packets of information from any Fifth Column--
packets detailing their personal financial shenanigans like the 
taking of bribes, kickbacks, and payoffs--not even Toby Roth 
of Wisconsin (and Roth certainly was never a member of any 
pedophile ring).  No, their resignations have all been due to 
the reasons stated:  to spend more time with their families, or 
because it's no longer fun being a politician here at the close 
of the Twentieth Century.

	Bill Clinton was never a CIA agent, as I claimed in the 
Vince Foster series, part 10, and again in part 29.  I just made 
this up, and the story got so out of hand that Roger Morris 
repeats this canard in his new book *Partners in Power*.  
Cord Meyer did not recruit Bill Clinton for the CIA, and I 
have not spent hours talking with Clinton's subsequent CIA 

	To all those who have written me letters of support, 
let me say:  What a bunch of suckers!  You people are going 
to be stuck with four more years of Bill Clinton, so get used to 
it, rubes.  The Fifth Column hasn't been helping out Kenneth 
Starr--Starr got all those documents, including the ones on Jim 
Guy Tucker, from David Hale.  Well, Hale's documents have 
run out, and there ain't going to be no more convictions.  
Starr's star has fizzled.  (Starr was bought and paid for long 
ago.  After all, he didn't even bother to answer Debra von 
Trapp's letter on the Oklahoma bombing.)  Some of you I told 
privately about that Clinton cocaine tape Starr has, and maybe 
one or two others about those bonds Hillary has stashed in 
Luxembourg.  Jesus, you guys are gullible.

	Poor Vince Foster.  I am truly sorry about 
besmirching his name, especially about those tales about 
turning over U.S. secrets to the Israelis.  The very idea that 
Israelis would spy on the U.S., or wouldn't be able to get such 
secrets for free!  Foster never did anything wrong in his life, 
except perhaps for hiring Bob Livingstone:  Foster died 
because he was too good for Washington, too good for public 
life.  Both Jim Norman and I knew from the beginning that 
Bob Bartley of the Wall Street Journal killed him.  But here is 
how the story of  Hillary's and Foster's Mossad contacts 
came about.  Mike McCurry of the White House calls me 
once a week to discuss strategy and to tell me how to 
proceed, and we simply lifted the story from Jim Norman's 
original memo to the White House.  We figured we would 
suck in all those anti-semitic right-winger militia types before 
we let them crash and burn.  But we were wrong.  Apparently 
someone discovered that my brother Lester was the author of 
the standard two-volume research handbook *Judaism from 
Cyrus to Hadrian*.  They apparently were able to determine 
that I was secretly sucking up to the Mossad all along.

	And of course we were hindered also because 
Ambrose Evans-Pritchard was a relentless critic of Jim 
Norman's *Fostergate* story.  I've told numerous friends that 
AEP's lack of objectivity comes from his being consumed by 
jealousy over Jim Norman's research and sources.  But the 
truth is the reverse:  Jim Norman has always been consumed 
with jealousy over AEP, even when AEP was getting all that 
disinformation from Clarence Harp:  Norman was jealous he 
hadn't found Harp first.  

	   And Colby?   That Colby ever heard of Norman or 
myself is a totally ridiculous idea.  I just wanted to aggrandize 
the two of us, by placing us at the center of a conspiracy 
involving every little newsworthy incident that managed to 
evoke a little mystery.  Get real, right-wingers!  Colby was an 
old man and fell off his boat and drowned.  He was also a 
noble patriot who had tried to right much of what is wrong 
with this country, and would certainly be a candidate for the 
head of the Fifth Column if any such group actually existed.

	And you Republicans are stuck with Bob Dole, who 
is going to lose the election for you!  Ha, ha, ha!  Except of 
course if he gets Colin Powell to run with him.  Dole got a 
Fifth Column packet that induced him to resign from the 
Senate?  Ridiculous! *Of course* he would resign the majority 
leadership to better run a campaign everyone assumes he can't 
win.  He's *consumed* with the desire to be President, damn it!  
And Powell, Powell get a packet?  Hell, he's the hero of the 
Gulf War!  He's an example for every black man in America!  
The notion that Colin Powell might be filled with greed enough 
to sell out his country is a subversive Communist thought, and 
anyone who believes he might be capable of such a thing 
should be ashamed of himself.

	Then there is Bush.  That little blurb about George 
Bush in *Some Observations on the Non-News* was a lot of 
fun.  Mike McCurry and I laughed our heads off about that.  
We made it up with the intention of showing that the Fifth 
Column's activities were about political corruption, not about 
partisan politics, and that no one of either party--no matter 
how high up --was exempt.  Well, it served that purpose, but 
also smeared a Republican!  Nope, George Bush never had a 
$75 million account at the Union Bank of Switzerland to be 
cleaned out in the first place.  I mean, do you idiots really 
think George Bush is rich?  Bush deal in arms?  Bush deal in 
*drugs*?  Let's get real: *ex-Presidents don't do those things*. 

	The very idea of drugs in Montana!  The nearest thing 
seen to drugs in Montana recently is some teenagers who tried 
to get high smoking horse manure.  Well, how about it you 
dumb right-wingers?  You haven't seen the Governor of 
Montana indicted yet, have you?  Hell, if it didn't happen in a 
day or two, that should have told you there was nothing to the 
story!  But the bigger the lie the bigger the Con:  I got all sort 
of letters from Montana after posting *Some Observations on 
the Non-News* claiming that the body count was approaching 
Mena proportions, claiming that this or that local official or 
police department was running drugs.  It demonstrates the 
P.T. Barnum effect:  *Just make up anything, and even the 
people concerned will believe it*.  Montana is full of paranoid 
schizophrenics, not to mention right-wing nuts.
	The whole Montana charade was an attempt on my 
part to divert attention from the Mena operation, to help out 
the CIA and the Mossad.  But it hasn't seemed to do any 
good.  No matter how hard I try, John Deutch still won't offer 
me a job.  I'm sorry about those bad things I said about you, 
John, but that was supposed to be part of my cover.  You 
know, give me credibility by attacking the CIA like those 
journalists you have on stipend?  I'm sorry I didn't make it 
clear.  And you mislead me on that Ron Brown thing.  You 
told me there was a bomb on board.  Well, the Air Force 
issued its report, and there weren't no bomb.  And we know 
the Air Force, unlike the CIA, never lies.  So you can keep 
your old job--I'm no longer interested.  
	Poor Jackson Stephens.  Stephens is one of the finest 
billionaires this country has ever produced, and the notion that 
he would hire assassins is ludicrous.  But I had some rubes 
going there for a while.  And Richard Mellon Scaife.  Hell, the 
Sarah Scaife Foundation donates to the CATO Institute, a 
libertarian think tank I have supported for a decade and a half.  
You think I was serious about Scaife's goons messing with the 
car Charles Hayes, Jim Norman, and I were riding about in  
Pittsburgh?  Well, we were actually coming back from a 
dinner with Marianne Gasior, who is noted for helping get 
Kennametal convicted for money laundering and dealing with 
Iraq during the Gulf War.  I just made up the story to feed her 
paranoia that elements of the Pittsburgh nuclear network were 
following her.   
	I also want to apologize to other friends I've mislead 
(though you deserve it, for being so stupid).  These are too 
numerous to mention.  Like that secret Pentagon report about 
which I said I personally knew both bomb experts involved, 
and that there were five bombs in the Oklahoma City 
bombing.  I just took General Partin's report of four bombs, 
and threw in an extra one to take care of  column B3, and 
sucked some people in who thought it accorded more with the 
laws of physics than with the veracity of government 
witnesses.  And it is not, repeat not, true that subpoenas are 
out for the two experts to appear at the OK bombing trial.  
	Well, that's enough confession. If you believed 
anything I posted, it was your problem, your desire to believe.
	Yes, better get used to it.  Things never change. You 
right-wingers (and left ones too) are going to be stuck with the 
Clintons for four more years.  And I myself am looking 
forward to it, or else nothing in this article is true.

June 26, 1996

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