1. There are many Illuminated groups, with different kinds of secret
knowledge. Anything you might say about them (including this) will be
false for some of the Illuminati, but true for others, which only
adds to the confusion and mystery.
2. The Illuminati infiltrate and take over organizations of all
kinds, from churches to the post office to the corner grocery store,
and turn them to their own ends.
3. And, just as a black joke, some of their subject organizations
advertise themselves as Secret Societies!
4. They have agents and ``sleepers'' planted everywhere. Many of
these people have no idea who they are really reporting to. Others
are active members of the conspiracy, working their way ever deeper
into the fabric of society.
5. They control the schools in order to make sure that young people
learn to enjoy strange tuneless music and weird outlandish games, and
that they dress oddly.
6. They also try to recruit the best and the brightest young people
as agents, to insure the next generation of the Conspiracy.
7. They constantly feud among themselves and war with other groups
and organizations. Each group of Illuminati is constantly striving to
increase its power base and undermine the competition.
8. Their first means of dealing with opposition is to buy it off. To
any group as rich as the Illuminati, a few million dollars are
9. Next they try threats. Danger to possessions, status or loved ones
has dissuaded many a would-be foe of Illuminati schemes.
10. And, of course, murder is an ancient political weapon. The
Illuminati have been responsible for some of the most shocking
assassinations of modern times.
11. They also replace people with doubles. For many years they
recruited look-alikes who would serve their ends. Now they are
perfecting cloning technology that will let them replace
12. Those who can't be dealt with any other way are discredited or
13. The Illuminati conspiracy is hundreds, if not thousands, of years
old. Many of the most famous names of history have been Illuminated,
or Illuminati agents. Indeed, all of history is nothing more than an
outside view of the schemes and struggles of the Illuminati.
14. And, of course, the Illuminati are constantly rewriting history
to serve their own goals. For instance, modern schoolchildren are
taught that there is no historical evidence of Eris or King Arthur, and
they learn nothing about the Russo-German War or the state of Arcadia.
15. They control the news media, so you hear what they want you to
about today's news. Any event that doesn't fit in with their program
will be quickly hushed up.
16. In particular, they control television. They don't permit
intelligent shows to survive; they encourage mind candy that will
keep people from thinking. The only reason good shows are permitted
to appear at all is to convince intelligent people that nobody else
likes such material, and that there must be something wrong with
17. The Illuminati manipulate the stock market and control currencies
on an international level. Your paycheck is worth just what the
Illuminati want it to be.
18. Likewise, the entire ``energy crisis'' is an Illuminati
invention. There's no shortage of energy, of a dozen different kinds,
but plentiful free energy might threaten the Illuminated power base!
19. The Illuminati are doing their best to hold back the space
program, for the same reason. If mankind was spread out through the
solar system, they'd be much harder to control. [Not all the
Illuminati agree on this. Some of them lust after the mineral wealth
of space, and some want (literally) new worlds to conquer.]
20. And some of them are in touch with aliens from outer space. Some
of them ARE aliens. Why would ``advanced beings'' want to meddle with
the affairs of Earthlings? Good question.
21. Worse, some of them have actual magical powers and are in league
with forces from . . . elsewhere. Great huge beings that are madness
to look upon, or tiny, malicious things that glare and gibber from
dark corners. They have pins and dolls; they know old names.
22. Other Illuminati have embraced technology. Their files of
information are much more useful when backed by the power of the
computer. They are also conditioning everyone to believe that
computers are so complicated and dangerous that only the Experts
should play with them. Next time you get an electric bill for
$666,666.66, you know who's behind it.
23. And some of these technophiles have gone a step farther, creating
actual machine intelligences. These sentient computers are now,
themselves, a force amoung the ruling Illuminati!
24. The Illuminati don't like war; it's expensive and wasteful. War
only happens when two groups of Illuminati are very evenly matched
and neither is willing to negotiate. But then they whip a few nations
into a patriotic fervor and go at it.
25. They send secret messages through the newspapers and airwaves -
in the classified ads, and even buried in news reports. They have
other, even stranger forms of secret communications . . . all around
you, all the time.
26. They keep everyone - yes, everyone - under constant
surveillance. Every time you fill out another questionnaire, you're
weaving another strand of the net that binds the world.
27. They are working to make the law as confusing as possible, so
everything will be illegal or potentially illegal - then they have a
hold on everybody and everyone will fear the laws.
28. They encourage resistance to authority among young people and
political dissidents, to distract government attention from the real
29. But when they reach a satisfactory level of control, they turn
their efforts toward extinguishing independence and encouraging
mindless obedience to whatever orders come from the Illuminati or
30. They commit random atrocities - poisoning food at grocery stores,
murdering old blind ladies, sniping on the freeway - just to make
people vaguely confused, frightened and paranoid.
31. They suppress inventions which might change the status quo. The
100-mile-a-gallon carburator, the perfect contraceptive, and the
cornucopia plant are all lying in Illuminati vaults, waiting for the
day when it will suit the Secret Masters to release them. What
happened to the inventors? Bought off, intimidated, or just vanished.
32. On the other hand, they also maintain secret laboratories where
they develop new weapons and devices of all kind.
33. Their arcane investigations cause all sorts of mysteries. Ever
wonder about the Loch Ness Monster? The ``cattle mutilations?'' The
34. And they require hundreds of human victims every year for their
experiments. Ever wonder why there are so many Missing Persons reports,
and why so few of those people are found?
35. They are constantly experimenting with new types of mind control.
They put drugs in drinking water, flash subliminal messages during
movies and TV shows, and play instructions that you can't quite hear
over supermarket loudspeakers. They experiment with microwaves and
ultra-low-frequency devices, too.
36. And every wire in your house is a potential pathway for
Illuminati messages, attacks or controlling rays. Did you ever stop
to think just how many wires lead to your house? And do you have any
idea where they really come from?
37. Naturally, they discourage investigation of the strange and
unusual, because it might lead to them. But they encourage people to
joke about the Illuminati.
38. They also publish supermarket tabloids, just to make sure that
everybody thinks ``Hitler's Brain Is Alive!'' and ``Bigfoot Seen In
Hawaii'' are just jokes.
39. And they encourage the craziest pseudo-science ``researchers''
they can find, because this tends to discredit legitimate
investigators into the unusual.
40. A popular belief is that the Illuminati want power for its own
sake. This is true of some of them. But other Illuminated groups
exist to support an ideology, to achieve a particular goal, or simply
to oppose some other group of Illuminati!
41. One of their chief preoccupations is life extension by any means
possible. Nobody who has held ultimate power for fifty years is eager
to let it go. Anything you can think of . . . yoga, cryonics,
body-exchange, magic, cloning, goat (or other) glands, transfusions,
computerized personality duplication . . . has been tried by the
Illuminati at one time or another. And some of them work!
42. Furthermore, powerful Illuminati from past centuries lie waiting
to be revived when science allows it. Mummies, pickled corpses,
frozen bodies, conscious brains in jars . . . you would
recognize the names if we could mention them.
43. You're not cleared for this one.
44. They use disease as a weapon to discipline their own populations
or destroy competing ones. Black Death in Europe, smallpox among the
American Indians . . . The swine flu, a few years ago, was thwarted
by opposing forces, or you probably wouldn't be reading this.
45. They have a variety of unhuman and inhuman servants. The dreaded
Men in Black are perhaps their best-known agents. No one knows
whether the MIBs are androids, golems, or something even worse.
Perhaps they were once human . . .
46. And they really are breeding a Master Race. The Nazis had no idea
how they were being used, or why. And they'd be horrified at the
Illuminati's idea of perfection!
47. The Illuminati know weird sexual techniques undreamed of in the
Kama Sutra. They also know why those techniques are used.
48. The next time you spend too much money to buy something you
didn't want or need, and it breaks in a week, you can be sure you've
just contributed to an Illuminati fund-raising project.
49. They start chain letters. They also plant rumors that the Red Cross
can buy an iron lung if you send them a million cigarette packages, and
that dying children in England want ten million business cards. No one
knows why they do this.